Change Is A Universal Constant

When are we "ready"?  What ultimately defines us?  Even if we align ourselves with a paradigm, many of us don't ultimately follow every tenet of it; most of us customize, taking what works for us and discarding what does not.  Even if we go with the analogy that Sarah Michelle Gellar's character used in "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer", it falls flat from the whole...

To whit, Buffy said, "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."

It's a fine sentiment that puts forward the realization that she's a work in progress, but are we ever REALLY done?  I have to wonder at any one person that stands up proudly and utters the affirmation that they know who they are and that they have "arrived".

Really?  So, you're now going to lie down and die?  Nothing is going to happen to change your world view, your opinions..."you"?

I struggled with the concept of who I was for many, many years...decades even.  As an Aspy and a natural mimic, I questioned what and who I was up until about three years ago...it didn't help that I had friends (and some former friends) that viewed me across a spectrum that included enough personalities, beliefs, and styles that each group never questioned my participation in their little group, regardless of how different it was from another group I'd just been hanging with. To quote my Twitter profile: "To make one Sithspit: Combine hard, soft, nice, nasty, quiet, loud, rum, milk, Jesus, Nietzsche, tender, cruel, love, hate, sweet, and sour. Blend and serve."

I never socialized well as a child; grade school was a special brand of Hell, and children can be far more cruel than people give them credit for.  I never really fit in with anyone, oddly enough, especially considering my later years, but we're getting to that.  When you combine an inability to adapt socially via typical, intuitive human means with a higher than average IQ...there will be problems.  I saw nothing wrong with reading a novelization for "Bring a Book Friday" in school...but when that book is the Star Wars novelization in SECOND GRADE, the other kids tend to look at you like you're a freak.

Which they did.

But over time, since I was on the outside looking in anyway, I had occasion to watch and learn some basic skills by watching how the popular kids acted; my natural talent at being a mimic paid off handsomely in that regard.  When I changed schools my senior year, I applied all I had learned by watching others to my interactions with the new people who didn't already know me, and, with a few minor hiccups, I was suddenly...well, not POPULAR, but ACCEPTED.  Now, some of you especially bright folks are already seeing the pitfall coming, but I'll mention it anyway.

What happens when you build a life out of what you've seen others doing, copying and imitating...?

You end up like I did a few years ago, looking at your life and wondering which parts were you and which parts were just "add-ons", essentially items like clothes to be mixed, matched, and discarded, but not really YOU.

Most men in their late 30's or so have mid-life crises where they try to recapture their lost youth...I spent mine wondering where the facade ended and I began.

So who am I?  What have I become, and what should I have been?  Am I EVER going to be finished and be what I'm supposed to be as an adult?  A father?  A husband?

A human?

Only two people I can think of literally have given me pause in my confusion; when asked what I was, they both just basically said..."You."

It took me a long, long time to accept that; I can be anything to anyone, and have, but the one thing I've learned from John and Jen is this:  Accept myself for who I am, because in the end, I am all and none of those things from my past and present...I'm a blend of them all.  This makes me as unique as anyone, i.e., not at all (what is "unique" when you are ALL different?)...but what it DOES make me is just...me.

Oh, and some of you may have noticed that in the last few years I've become more outspoken about some things, and less concerned with what others think; this is called "I'm content with who and what I am...get used to it, or go away."

I will always be a work in progress; only dead things don't ever really change or grow--you have to be alive for that.  So if I'm living, change is inevitable.  I may never be complete; but I will always be just me.  

And I'm ok with that.